Wisdom

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Let me review the year that was….

December 28, 2009 in Love's Lair, On The Easel, Prayer, Whimsical, Wisdom | No comments

January -  I was just released from the prison of my own making. Left JB for good….a place that thought me too much about loneliness.Began as temporary teacher.

February -  I learned that being a teacher was never an easy task as most of people thought. I found that I will make too much mistakes if I continue. So I left again. I venture the realm of Safety and Health. Everyday was a new curious day. It was very fun.

March -  Idle was never my good friend. I did a lot of photoshoot. Everyday was fun. Partial freedom. But emptiness inside. I don’t have anything stable to do.

April -  A new beginning. There was no any other year before I started to feel this happy again. I felt total freedom and don’t feel ‘that’ depressed anymore. For the first time after my last time in Kuching I felt happy again. However there was feeling of instability at my workplace. So I geared up for backup plan.

May -  Day in and day out, month in and month out….time passed without I even realized. I developed routine…

June -  I really love the place I stayed…but ‘people’ don’t like ‘us’ so we need to find our way out. I also did something I found quite romantic…and….tiring though…but satisfying.Flowers….Stars….

July -  New place. It was a lot more freedom that I can ever imagine….we use them wisely though. I really missed every moments in that house. The house was empty but I always feel full staying inside it. A month that I will always compare in the future.

August -  The wind of change was coming. The month that made me where I am now. The news spread in the wind. And that month mark one of my happiest day in my life. I felt the glimpse of love which I never felt before. Although I know it’s just me. But I never felt as genuinely happy like that ever.

September -  Suddenly the instability vanished. The wind brought the good news. Although part of me knows that I will definitely missed the total freedom I had. Who can have them all after all. If I want one I will lose another.

October -  I know I’m going to leave. And I know every second was precious. I savor every nanosecond. I did what ever I never do. I went wherever I never go. I met anyone I never met. I was going to leave a place that teaches me so much about happiness. I left…with a price. I trade my total freedom…and happiness behind.

November -  New Beginning. Work was fun. Life was deteriorating. Lucky….I have my last source/hope of happiness around. I was frequently around it to keep myself alive.

December -  My only last source and hope of happiness is now the one that drain the life out of me. December…now I am afraid to appreciate someone too much. I will refrain myself from being too close. After all they will leave me. And like the wheel go round and round. I am now at the bottom again. Left alone. They will be happy with their own life. But I, the one that only ’suck’ life from those who close with me will die without them. But now here I am thankful that I ever had 2009 in my life because, after 3 years or so, enough of loneliness lesson, 2009 reminded me that someone who is as miserable as me actually ‘can’ feel happiness.

As new year approaching,  I have no wish. I want no millions dollars. I want no new cars. I want no new clothes. I just wish there will be a seed of happiness growing in my heart. Nothing else will matter. Because after 23 years and 10 month of breathing on my own. That’s the only thing that matters most. Being Happy.

Am I ready? For this change…

September 11, 2009 in Friendship, Wisdom | No comments

Little details in our life…might change a lot of what will happen in the future. So the question is…will I be able to bear all the changes?

I am destine to be alone I know that but…every new place I went I will meet new friends. Some friendship will lasts some will only vanishes into the thin air. Some will grow stronger yet some will break into pieces. I am by no definition ‘a good friend’ but at least I know how to be a friend at least.

I met many peoples. I met people and become so close friend only for few hours. I met people and become friend for years to come. Some I don’t even know their names. Some I only know their face. There are so many types of friends I be friend of. But most of all, friends that I thought, know, hope, and pray that they are my best friends.

These people that I thought, know, hope, and pray to be my best friends are people that always break my heart. Because…well…I thought, know, hope and pray should be my best friends. But…as always…my love is meant to be ONE SIDED.

People say “You are thinking too much…!!!”. Maybe true. My idle mind is a devil’s workshop. My mind become idle and I start thinking of all these unnecessary stuff.

Why can’t I love without hoping to get that love back? Unconditional love? Why can’t I love like Jesus do? I can am I? Just that I decided not to.

I should let go…let go of all things that I thought important…friends, money, car, house, food, friends again, love, dreams, car again, and all the worldly things. I must…I MUST. Until I can let go all these, I won’t find what I want. Which is the favor of God.

Starting from now a lot of things will change. Let go of my friends in here and now and accepting new friends. Friends that once close become further far apart. Some will need to leave me. Some I need to leave them. Some will want to leave me. Some must and should leave me. Everything will change. Everything will go back to square one. I will need, must, should take this path alone…as I was and always will be.

I shall “seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness”.

I rest my case.

Live an unplanned life

September 11, 2009 in Prayer, Wisdom | No comments

People wonders why I did this and why I did that? Why I didn’t do this and why I didn’t do that? Even I myself sometimes wonder why.

But when I think back, all these 23 years, I have been living an unplanned life. I don’t really planned what will happen in the future. I believe that God always have a greater plan for me and I never really do have my own plan. That is my faith. I always wait for God’s plan. I don’t really care that I will live for another day or not. What I know that I will ever serve God for another day. That WAS who I am.

When the world start to take over, God starts to seem so far away. I start fighting the “flow”. The “flow” that I always follow all the way until now. I start to make my own plan instead of just complete in faith in God. I stop praying. I stop believing. I start becoming more rebellious. But…in the end they are all in vain.

Too much planning for the future…too much regretting of the past…too much chasing for this and that in the present. That is what everybody doing and what I am doing. Why can’t we just be thankful of what we had in the past, we have in the present and what will we have in the future. No qualms and complaints.


25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

<Matthew 6:25-27>

If I could ever have that faith….I pray…

Our Differences

June 4, 2009 in Wisdom | No comments

Rodin's The Thinker courtesy of Wikipedia.org

Rodin's The Thinker courtesy of Wikipedia.org

[If someone happen to found spelling error please correct me.]

The Thinker

I just got commented that I think too much. For that reason I put this picture of sculpture by Rodin’s titled The Thinker.

I actually know this sculpture from an anime, Yakitate Japan and from Night at The Museum 2  I recently watch.

Thinking! The virtue of humanity, how can we seperate ourselves from thinking. The difference is how hard we think. It does matter because thinking too much we become paranoid and thinking too little we become ignorance.

Weird Me

Me personally, love to question things that shouldn’t be questioned, to think things that shouldn’t be thinked and give opinion on things that shouldn’t be given opinion. I really love to do those stuff, naturally.

One of the question I always ask, why on earth am I so different from other? Actually I don’t care about the difference but I do care about the oddity of myself compare to other. Why am I so weird? The notion of asking these questions itself is already absurd.

Most of people does not bother to think about petty things like this but…as I said…I am weird…I keep thinking about it. Then what I do is observing my environment and evaluate accordingly. Read a little bit of here and there for example Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, one of my favourite.

Our differences!

I start with morality. But I would like to forewarn that all these are just my thinking inside my own personal mind. Morality is relative. Morally good for other could be morally bad for another party. Same goes with ethics, religion and other bases principles.

I move on to happiness. What is define by happiness? Is happiness a destination or happiness is just a journey? What is enjoying life means? How do someone enjoy his or her life? Again, it is indeed in my point of view relative. For example, some peoples would fully enjoyed by travelling the world every week but on the other hand some people really enjoying their life staying at home doing cleaning and chore. What I am implying is we don’t know what other people is thinking. We cannot assume that everybody else is similar to us. Actually we shouldn’t!

For that reason I am weird. Because most of the things people don’t usually do I do. I also do what people usually do but most of people don’t do what I usually do.(It get complicated most of the time, so don’t worry, get used to it.) My definition of so many concepts in life is by far always different of everybody else. How I view the world is different. The epistemology, school of thought, the ideology, how I accept things, how I reject things, they always different. Or at least I will try to make it different.

Being Different

Maybe I love being different but at the same time hate the feeling of being different. I do judge people occasionally, as often as I judge myself. I do express my opinion which usually radical in nature.I do criticize. I do complain. I do lot of things that most of people do.

But one thing I am sure of…I never claim that I really know anybody I “know”. Because when I thought I know I actually know nothing. I just make fool of myself. I just put so many assumption into the equation. I just judging using a skewed measurement. The best thing is that I also never claim that I know myself. I always think of my own self as a mysterious person who still need a lot to be studied. I learn about myself by observing others. I learn about others by observing what I naturally do. Do guessing here and there, asumption here and there. But the study is never exhaustive. It is continous because I know that I am changing as well as surrounding.

Unnecessary!

However when another person start to judge me…although I know I am weirdo, I start to feel uncomfortable. Because they start to make unnecessary assumption. Too many! Weirdo also has its limit. I am not weird in all ways.

Acceptance

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I already went through the circle few times. Now I accept that I am weird….

Fascinations Lost

June 1, 2009 in Sleepless Nights, Wisdom | No comments

(Feeling like writting something in english…after so long…)

Few days ago I was on the flight back to Kuching. Then I realize that how the sense of being adult has made me lose all my fascination about simple things. Things that in the past I would always apreciate. Things that for a small children would be very beautiful.

See through the eyes of children. Untainted minds with clear view of the world. Without prejudices and negativities. Accepting things as they really are.

I was looking at the clouds, they were beautiful. They really are beautiful if I really see them. I’ll try to apreciate the beauty when we were above the clouds in the flight.

Where has the fascination gone? They are so many beauties in the world that we cannot don’t see. Our eyes are clouded with judgements…prejudices…Our lives have been occupied with problems, never ending works, hatred, accidents, wars, politics, and all the worldly things. To the point that I can’t find anything good anymore in those things.

I really miss times when I feel happy and fascinate with the simplest things like the first drop of rain, the sound of flight passing through the sky, the cars plate numbers, birds chirping in the morning, and everything I can imagine of.

World is not what I can see but how I perceive it to be.

Someone who can give lots of love

February 18, 2009 in KTDTHB, Love's Lair, Wisdom | 8 comments

1-cekal-science-class-mini

One month

It was exactly one month of  a precious experience. I learned the love that I never know once. Now I know what kind of love do teachers have to their dear students or at least a hint of it.

Types of Teachers

As we know there are lots of types of teachers. Some just like to angry for some petty things. Some loves to shout. Some prefer reverse psycology approach. Some slow talks. Some takes popular approach. Some sacrifice their popularity to discipline the students.

Above all, I think that teacher that love their students will be loved by the students. If and only if the teacher has a hint of hatred towards the students, what ever the students do will not satisfies the teacher. Some teacher selfishly believe that students are things to be changed by hook or by crook according to that teacher’s standard. Students are “things” not human. Although I admit some group of students act more like mindless “creature” than human.

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To more is less…to first is last

November 12, 2008 in Wisdom | 1 comment

Honestly, try to look back, the law of logic seems does not govern in some part of life. Or I guess logic is just a simple set of rule that people invent to simplify things in their life, yet not.

I was a boy that really had a problem with handling logic. For example I didn’t understand why bicycle would be invented before aircraft, I childishly thought that the other way around. Common sense was a least understood subject when I was thinking.

However, through painstaking education and long amount of time spent to undermine my innocence, I lost and become ordinary as every adult is. Yet the more I discover the less I understand. The more I seek the blurrer my see. Then I learnt that there is a thin membrane divides wisdom and knowledge. So thin that I can’t see it at all…yet I know it’s there.

The is a saying

“Knowledge is a proud that you know so much, Wisdom is humble that you know no more“.

It is not as simple as it sounds. At times, pride is humility and humility may bear the greatest pride of them all. As in knowledge is wisdom, yet knowledge never guarantee to bear wisdom.

The Story

There is a story of a curious determined boy who strolled on a sandy beach and found a small pit on the ground that filled with water. He tasted the water in it and found out it’s salty. He told himself that he would like to dried it out so that he could filled it with a good fresh water. With all the will in the world he started to remove the water using his palm. He finished up to the last drop of water in it. He came back with a bottle and poured out all into the small pit. He did it until it full with fresh water.

The next morning he woke up and rushed to the small water storage he made and drink the water. He was shocked. The water turned salty again. He repeat the routine, draining and filling the pit again and again for few days until he stopped and contemplated. What if he just drain it dry and let it be for a night.

The next morning he strode nervously toward his new experiment. The pit full of salt water. At that moment he in all sudden and awe listen to the rhythm of the sea. He opened his eyes slowly and turn around him and saw for the first time the beauty of wide and endless sea in front of him. He could smell the thick salty air around him. Moisture on his skin seemed drained out to the thickness of the atmosphere.

Now he understood something, he understood everything and everything seemed so crystal clear yet he understood nothing at all. He’s been a fool all along. Foolish enough to do what he did yet wise enough to stop.

“Wit beyond measure is man greatest treasure”

Wit beyond measure is because it’s nothing. We can’t measure nothingness. Measurement is for something not nothing. That’s why the more we look for it, it come back to nothingness again and again and again.

I found out that even if I learn everything I have learn nothing, even if I become the first I will be the last, even if I keep going on and on I will never found the end.

I wonder at how foolish I am for coveting what I don’t own, for struggle my self out of misery yet I found all the misery I wish I never had, for not letting go what I never grasp, for lying a lie that is never told, for dying when life is at its fullest, for crying when happiness is in everything.

I am a fool.

The Known World

November 3, 2008 in Wisdom | No comments

*After 2 years and 2 months I finally reformatted my laptop*

“Sweet Dessert”

I have a habit. When ever I go to any shopping complex I always look for bookshops. It is a must for me to at least enter for a few seconds and go out again. I just have this habit for quite sometime now.

I rarely buy anything even though I spend most of my time in the bookshop. I found peace looking at hundreds or thousands of books lying neatly on the shelves. I love reading the titles and find some funny titles.

Last week was a bit different. I actually bought a novel. Thinking back, I am jealous with my brother. He has a lots of novels and he read them all. I was looking for a title when I went to the bookshop but then after the keeper checked, the title was not in the record. Then I decided to pick any novel.

The Known World

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The Strong Shall Live and The Weak Shall Die

October 30, 2008 in Wisdom | 2 comments

“The strong shall live and the weak shall die. That’s the natural order of things. I can’t understand why you have to help the weak, weak people are irrelevant. Shishio made me realize that the strong should live. He taught me to kill the weak and be aware of the strong people. Shishio gave me a sword, and if not for that sword I wouldn’t be alive today. He also made me realize that I don’t have a choice. If I don’t kill them, they’ll kill me. But the truth is, I never really wanted to kill anybody” – Soujiro Seta

This quotes is taken from anime series Rurouni Kenshin (or Kenshin the Wanderer). Soujiro is basically a young sword genius raised by a skewed master, Shishio which was a manslayer. In comparison, the protoganist, the former manslayer, Kenshin was a sword genius which raised by a master who embrace Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu, a sword style that protects people rather than just to kill.

One person was raised by a just person on the other hand by a demon. Soujiro couldn’t discern the meaning of protect because he has been “brain-washed” by the “Strong shall live and weak shall die” instilled deeply into him by his master. He reduced from become a human. He became like a heartless animal with no good judgement and heart.

In contrast, Kenshin which was a pacifist vowed to never kill anymore for what ever reason. Vowed to use his sword only to protect. His sword was a special sword with reverse blade. Means that the sword won’t cut unless he reverse it.

After winning the battle with Shishio’s group Kenshin said

“Shishio’s logic dictates that the winner of a battle, in other words, the strong, is always correct, that it does. If the truth could be discovered by winning one or two battles, then we’d all go through life without ever being wrong. A person’s life isn’t so simple a matter, that it isn’t. The true answer is something you find out yourself by how you live your life from this day forward, that it is”.

There are extreme different in both two quotes. Judge them yourself. Just to “wash my hand”, I never meant that Soujiro is wrong nor Kenshin is right, the choice for the reader to decide.

Now what am I trying to imply?

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Getting out of the pit

October 20, 2008 in Wisdom | No comments

Last few day I Plurk…and I Plurk a lot. Among many there was one conversation that touched me…It was about getting out of the shell or getting out of the comfort zone.

I would like to change the analogy of comfort zone as shell to a pit. A pit in the ground. Now imagine, when I fall into a pit and I am alone. I am of course afraid because I am alone. This is actually nothing like a sort of comfort zone or anything, this is pit. The pit is so deep that I can’t reach the top to escape. I just can see the bright light shining pale into the pit opening. Days I stare upward and keep on trying to climb the slippery sides without giving up, shouting for help.

Days turn weeks, weeks turn months, on and on. After all the falling, cuts, and injury, one day I just stop. Stop looking upward and start digging. I dig dig and dig deeper into the hard soil. I found nothing but the same soil the same pit. I shy away from looking upward any more. The idea of getting out is getting distant. Although sometime the shadows of people passing fall into the pit but hope has gone scarce.

Then up to a point, everything just stop, grinding to a halt. I sit idle. In complete idle. Then I lay there until I feel no breath any more to breath. Then it end.

What if… during the struggle…it happen to be someone realise that I am inside the pit calling for help. That particular someone cares and wants to help. And what if that someone helps. That someone doesn’t need to go down here and piggyback me outside. That someone just need to pull me using rope. What if…

Then things would be totally different. What I am saying is sometime it is not a comfort zone…it is not a shell…not a protective shell that keeps the outside world but it is a deep pit that one can only escape if someone from the outside helps. For the person on the outside…wouldn’t understand what it feel to be falling into the pit. It is rather a lonely experience and a painful one.

So when the falling person has stop hoping and stop struggling, that person will never go out again…

Looking for that something?

July 7, 2008 in KTDTHB, Listen, Love's Lair, Wisdom | 5 comments

When I was in Kolej (KTDTHB), this song was really popular. It was like on everybody’s lips. The rhythm was just everywhere to find. However I myself have not really read the lyric or the words in the song. One of the reason was because my english wasn’t really good.

Recently I double clicked the mp3 in my laptop and listen to the song. Then, suddenly it touches me. I understood the meaning. I understood what the song try to convey to me as listener. Moreover I am eager to find something meaningful for me on the meantime. Every words seem so meaningful suddenly.

I am looking for that something. How about you?

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Everybody’s looking for that something
One thing that makes it all complete
You’ll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be

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Keep On and On and On

July 2, 2008 in Wisdom | 4 comments

IMG 8004

“Just a little bit more”, you told yourself. Even how hard it is just a little bit more would do. You want to keep on moving forward. Your eyes become blurry and you steps become wobbly. You can’t even swing your hand properly. Despite, “Just a little bit more”, you cried in your heart.

It is like running in a very long distant race. Your mind already knew that they are fixed finishing line. Yet when you run and run and keep on running the finishing line seems so far unreachable. Still, you believe that the finishing line is there waiting for you.
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Planting seeds

June 18, 2008 in Wisdom | 11 comments

Seeds
It is a small red notebook I keep since a long time ago. Only a few first pages are written with something. It was actually to keep record of some memorable inspirational thoughts from one of my favourite lecturer. Originally it was in Malay. I will “Englisify” them and add more salts and spices.

Planting seeds

“Reap what we sow” it is an old saying. Growing little seeds isn’t a work of a day or two. It certainly takes time to see some significant result. On the first day we put seeds onto the soil. Then we water them everyday. Even when there seems nothing happen to the seeds we keep on watering them and keep the pests away. Until…without we even realize it, the seeds has turned into a small vulnerable plant with soft and green leaves. However it doesn’t end there. We nurture them to a well age.

What if we just gave up on the first few days or leave them vulnerable just after they began to have leaves and roots? What if? But we never did that aren’t we?