Battle for this city has lost. Now I need to leave. I will be in exile in a long time. How many cities do I need to lose in my life time. I don’t have much cities to defend left. I don’t like to imagine all I have left taken by the enemies troops. In the end I will be a forgotten king in a piece of land I once founded. But let the time decide what should I do when the time come. But for now, I need to leave. Leaving all the belongings behind. I wish one day I would come back and claim the lands I once lost.
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Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.
Hamlet, Act II, scene ii
To be, or not to be, — that is the question: —
Hamlet, Act III, scene i
to start is hard
to persist is harder
to end is the hardest
I went to a place I never been
a situation I never imagine
seeing faces I never seen
learning with full of keen
but am I too late?
playing with heaven and fate
accepting what’re written and said
hoping what I give is what I get
if only I were the first to come
holding your hand then and times to come
if only that has never gone
you’ll be safely in my arm
a little too much for me to ask
to say this truthfully I must
me and my heart is now steadfast
to love and to have you in the last
Not surrounded by thousands armies
Not a castle without a moat
Not a city under a siege
Not a war without a thought
An unknown waiting of unknown end
intangible battle untouchable by hand
not of courage not of its wane
not a fight of disputed land
It is of heart and its dwelling
It is of mind’s desires of controlling
All the strength to hold them back
Struggle to keep sanity intact
To know the foe is to know myself
salvaging all the pride that left
Abate damages just to feel safe
This unrequited love is all I have
Why is it so painful?
When I know I won’t get what I want.
Why is it so hurtful?
When I expect things could never happen.
Have I not know who I meant to be?
Have I not know that it’s not going to be?
It’s not worth morning for.
Its not worth crying for.
For love have never been my friend.
And friend will never be my love.
January - I was just released from the prison of my own making. Left JB for good….a place that thought me too much about loneliness.Began as temporary teacher.
February - I learned that being a teacher was never an easy task as most of people thought. I found that I will make too much mistakes if I continue. So I left again. I venture the realm of Safety and Health. Everyday was a new curious day. It was very fun.
March - Idle was never my good friend. I did a lot of photoshoot. Everyday was fun. Partial freedom. But emptiness inside. I don’t have anything stable to do.
April - A new beginning. There was no any other year before I started to feel this happy again. I felt total freedom and don’t feel ‘that’ depressed anymore. For the first time after my last time in Kuching I felt happy again. However there was feeling of instability at my workplace. So I geared up for backup plan.
May - Day in and day out, month in and month out….time passed without I even realized. I developed routine…
June - I really love the place I stayed…but ‘people’ don’t like ‘us’ so we need to find our way out. I also did something I found quite romantic…and….tiring though…but satisfying.Flowers….Stars….
July - New place. It was a lot more freedom that I can ever imagine….we use them wisely though. I really missed every moments in that house. The house was empty but I always feel full staying inside it. A month that I will always compare in the future.
August - The wind of change was coming. The month that made me where I am now. The news spread in the wind. And that month mark one of my happiest day in my life. I felt the glimpse of love which I never felt before. Although I know it’s just me. But I never felt as genuinely happy like that ever.
September - Suddenly the instability vanished. The wind brought the good news. Although part of me knows that I will definitely missed the total freedom I had. Who can have them all after all. If I want one I will lose another.
October - I know I’m going to leave. And I know every second was precious. I savor every nanosecond. I did what ever I never do. I went wherever I never go. I met anyone I never met. I was going to leave a place that teaches me so much about happiness. I left…with a price. I trade my total freedom…and happiness behind.
November - New Beginning. Work was fun. Life was deteriorating. Lucky….I have my last source/hope of happiness around. I was frequently around it to keep myself alive.
December - My only last source and hope of happiness is now the one that drain the life out of me. December…now I am afraid to appreciate someone too much. I will refrain myself from being too close. After all they will leave me. And like the wheel go round and round. I am now at the bottom again. Left alone. They will be happy with their own life. But I, the one that only ’suck’ life from those who close with me will die without them. But now here I am thankful that I ever had 2009 in my life because, after 3 years or so, enough of loneliness lesson, 2009 reminded me that someone who is as miserable as me actually ‘can’ feel happiness.
As new year approaching, I have no wish. I want no millions dollars. I want no new cars. I want no new clothes. I just wish there will be a seed of happiness growing in my heart. Nothing else will matter. Because after 23 years and 10 month of breathing on my own. That’s the only thing that matters most. Being Happy.
Year in and year out
There it goes again
My heart is shattered apart
Now it lies in pain
Fluttered by the year that was
Of memories you and me
But you and I were never one
You’ve already seen someone
If dream is where I’ll have you
So dream is where my heart’ll be
But dream is only just a dream
It’s never coming through
I close my eyes I see you
So closed I thought it’s true
To lost what I have never had
Is worst than what I knew.
Cactus is a symbols of endurance. This cactus I dedicate to those who will take over my post and office. I put it on the table in the office. Hope that endurance will always be their shield later on. I hope things will get better. I hope that people will be happier. I hope the one who replace me will lasts longer than anyone before. I hope love will prevail.
It was two years ago…I wrote this…
I am a living ghost
by Elvinado
I am a living ghost.
Wander aimlessly
People can see me
But it’s just blurry
How would I know?
How would I guess?
What is the best
I can live at restAgain
My faith to the test
Stripped in the sea of man
Snatch my sanity away
Lying helpless homeless endless
I come like the rain
I leave like the wind
Naturally.
Terribly afflicted distress and disturbed.
-September 13, 2007
Two years later…nothing change…I am still a ghost. “I come like the rain, I leave like the wind“. When I sent an SMS to a friend telling that I am a ghost earlier this afternoon, I reminded of the poem I wrote above.
It was something sounds like this,
“He only need to love, He doesn’t need to be loved,
He only can be found alive in SMSes and Yahoo! Messengers,
The only things he hope is nobody hate him,He is only a ghost, he must not have any feelings,
‘Coz when he start to have feelings he will become villain,
It’s better that he choose to be a good person,He hates himself, thus he hates discussing about him,
So he rather become nothing, to become inexistent.”
But I am a ghost that very much exist. I can’t claim my inexistent. What I only want is I won’t be a burden to another person, I won’t be a problem, I won’t be a encumbrance, won’t be a liability. I don’t want my existent to be any.
I will be waiting for another September, what will next September brings.
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