Sleepless Nights

Last week I change my header. So this post is only valid for the current header. If in the future the header change then it really does not matter anymore.

The photo is candle on my desk. On the right is my laptop. Also some papers on my table. I altered the color a bit but nothing much. Just simple crop.

It was a lone candle glowing on one silent night. I turn off the fan and it was really silent. It was morning after the midnight. Everybody was sleeping.The night was hot, the air was not flowing at all.

So what I did was I started kneeling and pray. I just pray so that the light in my heart keep glowing. Even when the glimmer is fading fast.

Eventually the candle will finish off. The faint glimmer will be lost. But until then let me keep holding on with the remaining light. I hope so I pray so. If I failed before the the new candle arrive…I don’t know what will happen to me. I hope it will not.

So I bought a lot of candles so that I won’t run out of it. I even gave some to my friends…

Yes I am… I am no better. (Sorry for some masochistic post lately.)

No wonder I am left alone…because I am too honest. I virtually never lied especially about what I felt. I lied occasionally to my parent saying that I am okay when I didn’t even near okay. I say what ever I think is right even though I myself is no better or might be even worse. Am I ashamed of myself, yes, but that’s just who I am.

I raised up always feeling suicidal. I never thankful about anything (except food…maybe that’s why I am so thin). I complaints about everything my five senses caught. My five senses caught mostly about myself and I grown to be self hating and loathing.

I was someone who always been manipulated because I was too naive to think that people manipulating me. Then now I myself become a good hidden manipulator. But I hate myself for it.

If I am to be asked who do I hate or my worst enemy…I can’t think of any other person besides the very person I saw in the mirror everyday. Ironically I really love my own name but not the owner of the name.

I am self inflicting. I am proud of something I don’t have. I ashamed of things that I have. I love things that I hate. I hate things that I love. I force myself to go against myself.

Despite all that,

Read the rest of this entry »

Have you ever experience feeling hard to sleep at night because you have not done something during the day…? You feel something is absolutely missing and you keep on thinking of it and can’t sleep a wink. Your heart beat faster and it make you pissed. You closed your ears tightly with your pillow. Still you can’t sleep…you addicted to something…

When I think of it, I was force to read during school days. The teacher asked us compulsarily to read at least 3 books in a month. What I did was I didn’t read anything but just pick any books in the library and copy the title so as the proof. We have this competition that who read most will win. I still remember that I never finish a book those time. No books are interesting to me.

Then in another school we were force to read again. Each time after recess the school allocate a few minutes just to read. We need to read in the presence of teacher in front of the class. I remember that even the teacher said the it was wasting time. Reading has become somekind of ordeal to endure during school time.

However, I actually never hate reading. I love reading comics. Then when school days are long gone I started to buy magazines. I also worked at a bookstore once and bought novels. My interest are none other than computers, computers, and computers. Novels of my interest would be science fiction and fantasy like Harry Potter and Lord of the Ring. I also read Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons. Those are among others that made me fall in love with novels. And not forget to mention my favourite To Kill A Mocking Bird.

Read the rest of this entry »

Trying, striving, struggling, endeavoring are the words that sometimes really touch our deep consciousness. Have I done enough of those? Do I give my all to harness the best of me? Or I just do things halfway and always give up?

Do I sigh alone in my room and utter some words of self-contempt? Sulking endlessly in silent until a point that I feel suicidal? Have I done enough? Have I got enough? Asking questions that shouldn’t be ask…

It is easier just to follow orders. Live for somebody else and make no decision for myself. Living without reason to live and dying without something to regret for. Just to follow the ebb and tide of time and peoples.

But…it is the best to live for something. To have reason in life. To live in freedom without been bound to anything. But…there are things that are hard to come by. Even when it’s within grasp, sometime I don’t realize it. Reason, that’s what I need. I need mission to continue breathing. I need goal to make my life meaningful.

Read the rest of this entry »

For some reason I am really really restless and I certainly can’t sleep. If it’s you what would you do?

So I pack my laptop and took it to internet room downstairs. Maybe the internet addiction has returned.

I felt all kinds of feelings. Mixed and confused. I felt guilt and anxiety. Fear of unknown.

I can’t do a thing. Voices in my head. Voices of my mum, my friends, my brother, and my own voice. I just can’t stop thinking about what they were saying. I am haunted by them.

Running away from what I should be doing. Just lying to myself. I am so afraid. I want to cry. But no tears would come out.

Am I delusional? Am i going crazy? Maybe I am merely lonely. I need something to live for. I need a reason. I really need it.

I just can’t found it where. Looking in vain. Keep on looking with only despair at hand.

Shouting in silence.