Easel

January -  I was just released from the prison of my own making. Left JB for good….a place that thought me too much about loneliness.Began as temporary teacher.

February -  I learned that being a teacher was never an easy task as most of people thought. I found that I will make too much mistakes if I continue. So I left again. I venture the realm of Safety and Health. Everyday was a new curious day. It was very fun.

March -  Idle was never my good friend. I did a lot of photoshoot. Everyday was fun. Partial freedom. But emptiness inside. I don’t have anything stable to do.

April -  A new beginning. There was no any other year before I started to feel this happy again. I felt total freedom and don’t feel ‘that’ depressed anymore. For the first time after my last time in Kuching I felt happy again. However there was feeling of instability at my workplace. So I geared up for backup plan.

May -  Day in and day out, month in and month out….time passed without I even realized. I developed routine…

June -  I really love the place I stayed…but ‘people’ don’t like ‘us’ so we need to find our way out. I also did something I found quite romantic…and….tiring though…but satisfying.Flowers….Stars….

July -  New place. It was a lot more freedom that I can ever imagine….we use them wisely though. I really missed every moments in that house. The house was empty but I always feel full staying inside it. A month that I will always compare in the future.

August -  The wind of change was coming. The month that made me where I am now. The news spread in the wind. And that month mark one of my happiest day in my life. I felt the glimpse of love which I never felt before. Although I know it’s just me. But I never felt as genuinely happy like that ever.

September -  Suddenly the instability vanished. The wind brought the good news. Although part of me knows that I will definitely missed the total freedom I had. Who can have them all after all. If I want one I will lose another.

October -  I know I’m going to leave. And I know every second was precious. I savor every nanosecond. I did what ever I never do. I went wherever I never go. I met anyone I never met. I was going to leave a place that teaches me so much about happiness. I left…with a price. I trade my total freedom…and happiness behind.

November -  New Beginning. Work was fun. Life was deteriorating. Lucky….I have my last source/hope of happiness around. I was frequently around it to keep myself alive.

December -  My only last source and hope of happiness is now the one that drain the life out of me. December…now I am afraid to appreciate someone too much. I will refrain myself from being too close. After all they will leave me. And like the wheel go round and round. I am now at the bottom again. Left alone. They will be happy with their own life. But I, the one that only ’suck’ life from those who close with me will die without them. But now here I am thankful that I ever had 2009 in my life because, after 3 years or so, enough of loneliness lesson, 2009 reminded me that someone who is as miserable as me actually ‘can’ feel happiness.

As new year approaching,  I have no wish. I want no millions dollars. I want no new cars. I want no new clothes. I just wish there will be a seed of happiness growing in my heart. Nothing else will matter. Because after 23 years and 10 month of breathing on my own. That’s the only thing that matters most. Being Happy.

People wonders why I did this and why I did that? Why I didn’t do this and why I didn’t do that? Even I myself sometimes wonder why.

But when I think back, all these 23 years, I have been living an unplanned life. I don’t really planned what will happen in the future. I believe that God always have a greater plan for me and I never really do have my own plan. That is my faith. I always wait for God’s plan. I don’t really care that I will live for another day or not. What I know that I will ever serve God for another day. That WAS who I am.

When the world start to take over, God starts to seem so far away. I start fighting the “flow”. The “flow” that I always follow all the way until now. I start to make my own plan instead of just complete in faith in God. I stop praying. I stop believing. I start becoming more rebellious. But…in the end they are all in vain.

Too much planning for the future…too much regretting of the past…too much chasing for this and that in the present. That is what everybody doing and what I am doing. Why can’t we just be thankful of what we had in the past, we have in the present and what will we have in the future. No qualms and complaints.

25“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?
26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?
27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

<Matthew 6:25-27>

If I could ever have that faith….I pray…

There was a saying I heard from a friend of mine.

“To know you’re important or not, try remove yourself from that circle and see, do they ever realise your inexistence or they just plain don’t give a damn?”

Sometime we just felt that we are important to others, maybe the feeling of being appreciated is good. But the truth is, people around us don’t give a damn of our existence. My life is mine your life is yours.

When someone said they want to see us. Do they really mean it or just saying it to make it sound good?

Sometime I just don’t give a damn, ‘coz none give a damn about me. Who cares? Who would cares? Who want to?

Actually its hurt to care but not to be cared, to understand but not to be understood, to love and not to be loved….

But Dear God make me someone out of ordinary to live through this hurt and pain….happily.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
-St Francis of Assisi