Easel

Testing2
the battery is draining like water. I hope this Legend will live upto its namesake.

Happy Birthday to myself… I guess I will be the second to wish myself happy birthday….

So here I am again…2010…sitting alone in my room again…idle…and hoping for the impossible….Thank you very much!

Battle for this city has lost. Now I need to leave. I will be in exile in a long time. How many cities do I need to lose in my life time. I don’t have much cities to defend left. I don’t like to imagine all I have left taken by the enemies troops. In the end I will be a forgotten king in a piece of land I once founded. But let the time decide what should I do when the time come. But for now, I need to leave. Leaving all the belongings behind. I wish one day I would come back and claim the lands I once lost.

Such a beautiful lyric…always rings in my ears..
“I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You’ve told me who I am
I am Yours”

Dear online diary,

Seriously…hey, this is just me…it’s not like you’re ‘ever’ going to fall in love with me. Never mind me…I happen to be nice to all people I met. And (stupidly) eventually I will fall in love with them. So it’s something that come and go. Don’t worry about me.Just worry about yourself.I  just wanted to make my miserable life more interesting. So…

(My blog sounds like twitter day by day)

Not surrounded by thousands armies
Not a castle without a moat
Not a city under a siege
Not a war without a thought

An unknown waiting of unknown end
intangible battle untouchable by hand
not of courage not of its wane
not a fight of disputed land

It is of heart and its dwelling
It is of mind’s desires of controlling
All the strength to hold them back
Struggle to keep sanity intact

To know the foe is to know myself
salvaging all the pride that left
Abate damages just to feel safe
This unrequited love is all I have

I felt awkwardly happy these few days….thus….I blog less…

There’s only few hours left. I am thinking of correcting wrongs that I did. Or maybe not. Or maybe this few hours left will give another reason to make more mistakes and start the new book with ugly cover.

Now I admit I have fears.  I fear…I mean really really fear that I lose a few (I mean very few) peoples that I considered still friend. I just felt that losing friends nowadays is so easy. As easy as a click of a button on Facebook. Reason might be various. As simple as only 2 words or as elaborate as a full fledged essay.

I am on the verge….if I lose all my friends…then I will be back to who I were a year ago…the same person again. The person that I don’t want to remember who he was. Let alone to become him again.

Oh 2010, let me start journey with blazing glory so to say.Or at least let it just start without anything painful happening. After all 2010 is my 2nd cycle of 12 years cycle. Used in Chinese calender I guess. I am 2 years old…

Control….control….I thirst for control….I must control my Heart and Mind and Soul….

Dear Diary…..

I can’t help thinking and thinking about it again every time I started to write blog posts again, am I writing a blog post or a diary entry?

I write those posts openly without revealing too much details. Actually to the point of none other than myself could understand anything. This is to avoid diary-like post. Anybody can find my blog if they want and I don’t want people to know too much about me too easily. Not without cracking their head try to understand my blog.(If ever in this entire world anybody interested in a person like me.)

I wrote personal things though…but in extreme cryptic manner. I want people to read and at the same time hoping none will find my blog. Funny…so what’s the reason of writing a blog.

To think of it…it’s just for the sake of proving of my existence. If ever one day I lost all physical evidence….at least this virtual evidence still there to remind me of myself. But still I need to pay for the yearly hosting and domain name. In the end they all will perish and lost.

To think of it again…I start to write every time I am/felt alone again. When I am not alone I stop writing. Clearly indication of loneliness.

I am thinking too much, Yes…I just can’t help it.

All of my very close friends are now not here. They are away. Some of potentially close friends ditched me miserably… I have a lot of so called “close” friend but…they are soooo far away….Can’t be considered close friend…best friends maybe…

In the nutshell, I am alone. And I start resort to writing blog posts.

And…..I must distract myself…I must not resort to text or call people and start bringing them down into my miserable life. When I start doing that….more friends will ditched me miserably again….Huhu….Although all over my heart I miss them so much….

January -  I was just released from the prison of my own making. Left JB for good….a place that thought me too much about loneliness.Began as temporary teacher.

February -  I learned that being a teacher was never an easy task as most of people thought. I found that I will make too much mistakes if I continue. So I left again. I venture the realm of Safety and Health. Everyday was a new curious day. It was very fun.

March -  Idle was never my good friend. I did a lot of photoshoot. Everyday was fun. Partial freedom. But emptiness inside. I don’t have anything stable to do.

April -  A new beginning. There was no any other year before I started to feel this happy again. I felt total freedom and don’t feel ‘that’ depressed anymore. For the first time after my last time in Kuching I felt happy again. However there was feeling of instability at my workplace. So I geared up for backup plan.

May -  Day in and day out, month in and month out….time passed without I even realized. I developed routine…

June -  I really love the place I stayed…but ‘people’ don’t like ‘us’ so we need to find our way out. I also did something I found quite romantic…and….tiring though…but satisfying.Flowers….Stars….

July -  New place. It was a lot more freedom that I can ever imagine….we use them wisely though. I really missed every moments in that house. The house was empty but I always feel full staying inside it. A month that I will always compare in the future.

August -  The wind of change was coming. The month that made me where I am now. The news spread in the wind. And that month mark one of my happiest day in my life. I felt the glimpse of love which I never felt before. Although I know it’s just me. But I never felt as genuinely happy like that ever.

September -  Suddenly the instability vanished. The wind brought the good news. Although part of me knows that I will definitely missed the total freedom I had. Who can have them all after all. If I want one I will lose another.

October -  I know I’m going to leave. And I know every second was precious. I savor every nanosecond. I did what ever I never do. I went wherever I never go. I met anyone I never met. I was going to leave a place that teaches me so much about happiness. I left…with a price. I trade my total freedom…and happiness behind.

November -  New Beginning. Work was fun. Life was deteriorating. Lucky….I have my last source/hope of happiness around. I was frequently around it to keep myself alive.

December -  My only last source and hope of happiness is now the one that drain the life out of me. December…now I am afraid to appreciate someone too much. I will refrain myself from being too close. After all they will leave me. And like the wheel go round and round. I am now at the bottom again. Left alone. They will be happy with their own life. But I, the one that only ’suck’ life from those who close with me will die without them. But now here I am thankful that I ever had 2009 in my life because, after 3 years or so, enough of loneliness lesson, 2009 reminded me that someone who is as miserable as me actually ‘can’ feel happiness.

As new year approaching,  I have no wish. I want no millions dollars. I want no new cars. I want no new clothes. I just wish there will be a seed of happiness growing in my heart. Nothing else will matter. Because after 23 years and 10 month of breathing on my own. That’s the only thing that matters most. Being Happy.