Battle for this city has lost. Now I need to leave. I will be in exile in a long time. How many cities do I need to lose in my life time. I don’t have much cities to defend left. I don’t like to imagine all I have left taken by the enemies troops. In the end I will be a forgotten king in a piece of land I once founded. But let the time decide what should I do when the time come. But for now, I need to leave. Leaving all the belongings behind. I wish one day I would come back and claim the lands I once lost.
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Such a beautiful lyric…always rings in my ears..
“I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
Vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I’m calling
Lord, You catch me when I’m falling
And You’ve told me who I am
I am Yours”
Dear online diary,
Seriously…hey, this is just me…it’s not like you’re ‘ever’ going to fall in love with me. Never mind me…I happen to be nice to all people I met. And (stupidly) eventually I will fall in love with them. So it’s something that come and go. Don’t worry about me.Just worry about yourself.I just wanted to make my miserable life more interesting. So…
(My blog sounds like twitter day by day)
Not surrounded by thousands armies
Not a castle without a moat
Not a city under a siege
Not a war without a thought
An unknown waiting of unknown end
intangible battle untouchable by hand
not of courage not of its wane
not a fight of disputed land
It is of heart and its dwelling
It is of mind’s desires of controlling
All the strength to hold them back
Struggle to keep sanity intact
To know the foe is to know myself
salvaging all the pride that left
Abate damages just to feel safe
This unrequited love is all I have
I felt awkwardly happy these few days….thus….I blog less…
There’s only few hours left. I am thinking of correcting wrongs that I did. Or maybe not. Or maybe this few hours left will give another reason to make more mistakes and start the new book with ugly cover.
Now I admit I have fears. I fear…I mean really really fear that I lose a few (I mean very few) peoples that I considered still friend. I just felt that losing friends nowadays is so easy. As easy as a click of a button on Facebook. Reason might be various. As simple as only 2 words or as elaborate as a full fledged essay.
I am on the verge….if I lose all my friends…then I will be back to who I were a year ago…the same person again. The person that I don’t want to remember who he was. Let alone to become him again.
Oh 2010, let me start journey with blazing glory so to say.Or at least let it just start without anything painful happening. After all 2010 is my 2nd cycle of 12 years cycle. Used in Chinese calender I guess. I am 2 years old…
Control….control….I thirst for control….I must control my Heart and Mind and Soul….
Dear Diary…..
I can’t help thinking and thinking about it again every time I started to write blog posts again, am I writing a blog post or a diary entry?
I write those posts openly without revealing too much details. Actually to the point of none other than myself could understand anything. This is to avoid diary-like post. Anybody can find my blog if they want and I don’t want people to know too much about me too easily. Not without cracking their head try to understand my blog.(If ever in this entire world anybody interested in a person like me.)
I wrote personal things though…but in extreme cryptic manner. I want people to read and at the same time hoping none will find my blog. Funny…so what’s the reason of writing a blog.
To think of it…it’s just for the sake of proving of my existence. If ever one day I lost all physical evidence….at least this virtual evidence still there to remind me of myself. But still I need to pay for the yearly hosting and domain name. In the end they all will perish and lost.
To think of it again…I start to write every time I am/felt alone again. When I am not alone I stop writing. Clearly indication of loneliness.
I am thinking too much, Yes…I just can’t help it.
All of my very close friends are now not here. They are away. Some of potentially close friends ditched me miserably… I have a lot of so called “close” friend but…they are soooo far away….Can’t be considered close friend…best friends maybe…
In the nutshell, I am alone. And I start resort to writing blog posts.
And…..I must distract myself…I must not resort to text or call people and start bringing them down into my miserable life. When I start doing that….more friends will ditched me miserably again….Huhu….Although all over my heart I miss them so much….
January - I was just released from the prison of my own making. Left JB for good….a place that thought me too much about loneliness.Began as temporary teacher.
February - I learned that being a teacher was never an easy task as most of people thought. I found that I will make too much mistakes if I continue. So I left again. I venture the realm of Safety and Health. Everyday was a new curious day. It was very fun.
March - Idle was never my good friend. I did a lot of photoshoot. Everyday was fun. Partial freedom. But emptiness inside. I don’t have anything stable to do.
April - A new beginning. There was no any other year before I started to feel this happy again. I felt total freedom and don’t feel ‘that’ depressed anymore. For the first time after my last time in Kuching I felt happy again. However there was feeling of instability at my workplace. So I geared up for backup plan.
May - Day in and day out, month in and month out….time passed without I even realized. I developed routine…
June - I really love the place I stayed…but ‘people’ don’t like ‘us’ so we need to find our way out. I also did something I found quite romantic…and….tiring though…but satisfying.Flowers….Stars….
July - New place. It was a lot more freedom that I can ever imagine….we use them wisely though. I really missed every moments in that house. The house was empty but I always feel full staying inside it. A month that I will always compare in the future.
August - The wind of change was coming. The month that made me where I am now. The news spread in the wind. And that month mark one of my happiest day in my life. I felt the glimpse of love which I never felt before. Although I know it’s just me. But I never felt as genuinely happy like that ever.
September - Suddenly the instability vanished. The wind brought the good news. Although part of me knows that I will definitely missed the total freedom I had. Who can have them all after all. If I want one I will lose another.
October - I know I’m going to leave. And I know every second was precious. I savor every nanosecond. I did what ever I never do. I went wherever I never go. I met anyone I never met. I was going to leave a place that teaches me so much about happiness. I left…with a price. I trade my total freedom…and happiness behind.
November - New Beginning. Work was fun. Life was deteriorating. Lucky….I have my last source/hope of happiness around. I was frequently around it to keep myself alive.
December - My only last source and hope of happiness is now the one that drain the life out of me. December…now I am afraid to appreciate someone too much. I will refrain myself from being too close. After all they will leave me. And like the wheel go round and round. I am now at the bottom again. Left alone. They will be happy with their own life. But I, the one that only ’suck’ life from those who close with me will die without them. But now here I am thankful that I ever had 2009 in my life because, after 3 years or so, enough of loneliness lesson, 2009 reminded me that someone who is as miserable as me actually ‘can’ feel happiness.
As new year approaching, I have no wish. I want no millions dollars. I want no new cars. I want no new clothes. I just wish there will be a seed of happiness growing in my heart. Nothing else will matter. Because after 23 years and 10 month of breathing on my own. That’s the only thing that matters most. Being Happy.
It is simply…I want to see you.
I strolled the shopping complex hoping that I will see you…impossible, as crazy as it may sound…and of course I didn’t see you. I keep on walking looking for places that you might go…places that you might like…but what I can think of is all my own favorite spot. I know where would you go if you are there but…I know you weren’t there.
Why should I think of you when I know you don’t even remember my name? Why would your face always appears in my thought when I don’t even know who you are? My wish is to see you. I want to hear your voice. To see your smile. To be in your presence. Even if you don’t realize that I’m there looking at you.
-Diary of a Stalker
Seriously…I miss you….urm…NOT like crazy…hehe…only like normal people.
Even if you know anything new…or suspect something new in the development…please…please…please…don’t change what ever already there. I’m tired of adapting to new things. Please let it be. Please don’t change.Please just pretend that you know nothing. Please just be who you were and who we were. Please!!!
But in the end, I can only ask…you’re the only one that can decide. Sorry for being a FOOL……..
There was a saying I heard from a friend of mine.
“To know you’re important or not, try remove yourself from that circle and see, do they ever realise your inexistence or they just plain don’t give a damn?”
Sometime we just felt that we are important to others, maybe the feeling of being appreciated is good. But the truth is, people around us don’t give a damn of our existence. My life is mine your life is yours.
When someone said they want to see us. Do they really mean it or just saying it to make it sound good?
Sometime I just don’t give a damn, ‘coz none give a damn about me. Who cares? Who would cares? Who want to?
Actually its hurt to care but not to be cared, to understand but not to be understood, to love and not to be loved….
But Dear God make me someone out of ordinary to live through this hurt and pain….happily.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
-St Francis of Assisi
I missed the flight this morning..caught in the jam and all the trafficlight suddenly turn red all the way. Now I’m waiting for the next flight to Bintulu. Ha…story of my life.
Now I’m sitting at the airport’s coffee beans…reminding me a distant past. I also sit here at the same place waiting for my flight back to somewhere…oh it’s Miri…here’s the link.
I haven’t been blogging much…and therefore unlike those distant past…now my blog is just simple a blog that I wrote to myself. Hardly anybody read it now.
What am I planning to do next? I guess I will keep on wandering the earth to see as much as I can see and to experience as much. I really can’t do the same thing everyday…I need something new. I need something that I am passionate about. Something that I can devote my wholeself to it.
For now…I need to do something uninteresting in Bintulu…
What am I doing? Am I doing what I love? Do I love what I do?
Don’t get me wrong,
Becareful what I wish for, coz I might get it all
Dream is a wish…,
What am I writing…ummm start writing rubbish again…
Courtesy of www.cloudbait.com
Lately I have been watching lots of movies. Some of the latest are Terminator Salvation and Knowing. The first is post apocalypse and the latter is apocalypse itself.
What if we know we all gonna die. I got from my friend this link about the 22 July 2009 Tsunami prediction. I know it’s just a hoax but it does make me thinking. Just what if….
What am I gonna do? What are you gonna do? What will others do?
In my current emotional and mental condition, I might just accept everything that coming given to me. Maybe I won’t fight back to survive. I might be the first to die I thought.
But then I think further. What if there is someone I want to protect? What if there is someone that want me to be alive? What if I still have some people that I want to continue seeing? Will I be able to let go my life as easy as I imagine?
My whole life I never appreciate my own life. I just wish that my existence don’t bother other existence. I just don’t want to be nuisance. And sometime I felt that even if I die, my death will be a problem to others. So I guess I just continue living until I can die without giving problem to others.
So what will happen to me if we know that everything gonna end. Or everybody is facing death at their face. Will I give up? Or will I fight back?
I wonder why some people really hard to let go their life. I wonder why some people has a very strong will to live. What drive them? What is their motivation? What binds them to the world so strong that they so afraid to die?
Is dying that horrifying? If one day I survive to tell the tale, I would blog about it.
Around 4 years ago, I decided that I will not involved in human world. I decided to left human and be friend with machine and non-living things. So off I went.
I was long time ago and I already forgot the reason why I actually left. Now I am almost back into human world and it reminds me about all those reasons.
As I always was and always will be, I admit that I am a nerd geek or at least with the strong characteristic of one. Out of 100 who meets me, 99 will say that I am complicated and hard to understand. The 1 percent will say that they can read me like a book.
I also found out that among all those peoples I always know a very little bit more knowledge than they are. The important part is, I want to share the knowledge with them. That is just my nature. I always want to share. I don’t like to give for something in return. But the human world does not work that way. So they HATE me.
I am actually expecting something in return. I only want them to share their knowledge with me, that’s all. But I found out being clever is definitely a sin.
“I am a geek so I don’t care about other people” A mantra that I always repeat in my mind. However I cannot live without thinking about others feelings. A part of me is not just me but all other peoples around me.
So it will be better if I just work alone, hurting nobody and not hurting myself either. It was convinient. Machine never hate me. I crash them I broke them I manipulate them I just ask them what ever I wanted to. Yet those machine never react to me. What a convinience. But, the machine never know to LOVE.
Wow it took me half a month to post blog again after claiming I’m returning to blog. So what does it mean?…
Loads of new things…interesting things happen in my life these few days. Just that I don’t really have the mood to write them into words in the blog.
By the way, today is my first day at the Niosh Certificate programme for Safety and Health Officer Course. As far as the first day is concern, it is a quite heavy subject but still, I found it interesting and fun. I really wish one day I will be a certified S&H Officer. And… the presenter told us that this course is actually a diploma syllabus cram into 22 days course. So I’ll be prepared to be fully saturated with new things every day. Tomorrow I will be the first to do the morning presentation about the previous day and the upcoming talks of the day because my name is first in the list.
So tonight…first thing first…I want to send in my resume to Curtin. The closing date for application is 18 Feb and I am already late. Next thing is to prepare for tomorrow’s morning presentation.
Sadness pain bitter and grief…everything is keeping us from thinking straight anymore…everything is making us unconciously drawing an invisible limit to ourself. No more smile…no more laughter… all tears and angers…why need we become like this…Pessimism just bring about more pessimism.
Each time I realise this I will try to let go…cut all the strings that attaching me so tightly to the daily “life” which actually has no life at all.
Is it true that if I know how to die I will know how to live. If everyday is my last day…I might live a better life. If I just love as if I will be apart the next day…if I know that life is so short.
I always wanted to write a song…a love song that I will sing to someone I really love one day…when will I write it? Today? Tomorrow? or maybe just in my dreams…
What should I do?….
Where should I start….
Do I still have the passion???
I lost everything that I lost…should I retrieve or just let go?
I gain everything that I wish for…now what should I do…?
Ambasios poyoronos
Testing 1 2 3
A few minutes ago I search for a any poster or image about “regret” in google search…I stumble upon this site….
http://www.theburningbiscuit.com/Demotivational%20Posters.html
Really funny…Here are some….of the random poster.
Check em out….it’s really fun to read them….
Ops I “asked” this tag from Patt…means that I was not actually tag…huhu.
***********
1. What’s your ambition?
I want to be a person of art…anything to do with art…poet, painter, photographer, illustrator, creative writer whatever not related too much to science directly. However the art approach would be through science….
***
2. Who is more important to you? Girlfriends or friends? Who is important to you?
I myself and only me…(second after God)
***
3. How often do you think of committing suicide?
Twice a day…when I wake up and when I want to sleep.
***
4. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Fluctuate so much. Sometimes I have too much sometimes I have none.
**
5. How many babies you want?
Huh? I want as many as possible…
***
6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?
Huh? “believe in”? What does it mean by believe in? Rainbow can be explain by science so I don’t need to believe in. However I seldom see rainbow after the rain because usually I will be indoor to avoid the rain.
******
7. What is your goal for this year?
This year have 2 months left. I just want to laugh, smile, be happy sincerely not in pretence. I would work hard for them this 2 months.
***
8. Do you believe in eternity love?
Not sure…I believe in one love though.
***
9. What’s a perfect girlfriend/boyfriend like to u? (List 10)
Human, a girl, not a small children, not an old lady either, not someone’s else, can bear my honesty, honest, accepting, not necessarily giving, simple.
***
10. What are you really afraid of?
Uncertainty
***
11.What is your bad habits?
I love to imagine the unimaginable and dream about things that I know I would never have.
***
12. Is there anything you wanna tell the people who hates you?
Forgive me…
***
13. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
Friends are harder than enemies to find. Until I lost a friend I will never know the value of a friendship.But now I know so every single one even a mere passer by I will cherish them all.
***
14. What does flying means to you?
I start to imagine sneaking out of the hostel at night. I was a forbidden things to do when we were in school.
***
15. What do you crave for the most currently?
A friend to have lunch with me.
***
16. Most unexpected gift you received so far and when?
Don’t remember any.
***
17. Describe the person who tagged you in 5 words:
Girl, pretty, blogger, hu?, friend.(“hu” does not bring any meaning)
***
18. What have you done to yourself make yourself happy?
Watch anime for hours until I forget everything about the world.
***
19. What will you become in another 10 years to come?
Ops…its so blurry…I can’t see anything…I guess I will change so much that if I see myself at that time I won’t recognise myself.
***
20. What have you achieved in life lately to make it better?
Erm…what have I achieve lately? I have not.
***
Instructions: Remove 1 question form above and add in your personal question.
Make a total of 20 questions and tag 8 people. List them out at the end of the post.
I will Tag these 8 peoples
- ::Jing-leBell’s Stories::. ~ Storyful Jing-leBell
- .gumpy.as.it.is. ~ It’s EeXaa
- Treasure every single moment..eh? ~ Treasured Fila
- Lachen Mit Mir… ~ erm what that @Serena_C?
- !x0r@ ~ !x0r@
- Callister’s Little World ~ Callister
- Dizzy Wheezy ~ Dizzy VeeVee
- Saffawati.Com ~ Possible Saff
Erm I publish this first later I will inform those 8…
I know I look really skinny
So…you might heard the above phrase. “Our name is our virtue” yes it is in Jazon Mraz’s song “I’m Yours”. For me aside from the phrase “I’m Yours” which repeatedly sung in the chorus, it is this “Our name …” phrase that caught my attention. I don’t actually understand the whole song but this part just stick in my mind quite easily because it bears some meaning for me.
So just to recall everything…I started blogging seriously (which is a relative term) about a year and a half ago. It was my on my very birthday (Check it here). I initially not using wordpress.com but Blogger or blogspot.com (here). I was clearly damn lonely (and always is) at that time hence “Unnnoticed Neglected Overlooked” was the name of the blog. Then later it became “Days Without Miracle” or “DWM”. Both blogs names are very negative and sad because they do reflect me. Out of the picture there were few blogs attempt before that. I own domain “mousukoshi.com” which does not exist anymore. I miserably left it unpaid and unupdated for some reasons.
There is one similarity between all three of my blogs that prevail to this day. The url. All of them contains my real name. First alvinalexander.blogspot.com then alvinalexander.wordpress.com and now alvinalexander.net. Yes I am self obsessed and proud or my own name. It is a beautiful name. Alvin Alexander the most beautiful name and I love it when I listen people saying it.
OLD SKOOL TAG….if you expecting something funny go sumwhere else…
I started this at 1.34PM OCT 20,2008
But b4 that I have 2 secondary school so it is kinda confusing for me…
1) 5 bad habits when you were in your school days
I really have a bad memory give me time to recall first….
- Damn it I don’t have bad habit…
- …
- …
- waking early is not bad habit…
- Okay I eat really really slow that I came first to the dine hall but the last to leave…(Kolej)
- I never do sport…I bath really early in the evening…I have no idea why because I always laugh at if I play…or just a nuisance for those who know how to play (luser)
- I woke so early and all prepared with the uniform and suddenly sleep again and late to school(Kolej)
2) 3 of your favorite subjects.. why?
- I love Math…because 1+1 is 2 not 3 or 0 or 1 or anything else logical simple.
- I love Physics Chemistry Biology and Science…because the same reason as above
- I love History…because totally contradictory of both 2 above
- I also love Art class because I always love art…plus it was something others bad at so I always wanted to be better than others.
Have you ever experience feeling hard to sleep at night because you have not done something during the day…? You feel something is absolutely missing and you keep on thinking of it and can’t sleep a wink. Your heart beat faster and it make you pissed. You closed your ears tightly with your pillow. Still you can’t sleep…you addicted to something…
When I think of it, I was force to read during school days. The teacher asked us compulsarily to read at least 3 books in a month. What I did was I didn’t read anything but just pick any books in the library and copy the title so as the proof. We have this competition that who read most will win. I still remember that I never finish a book those time. No books are interesting to me.
Then in another school we were force to read again. Each time after recess the school allocate a few minutes just to read. We need to read in the presence of teacher in front of the class. I remember that even the teacher said the it was wasting time. Reading has become somekind of ordeal to endure during school time.
However, I actually never hate reading. I love reading comics. Then when school days are long gone I started to buy magazines. I also worked at a bookstore once and bought novels. My interest are none other than computers, computers, and computers. Novels of my interest would be science fiction and fantasy like Harry Potter and Lord of the Ring. I also read Dan Brown’s Da Vinci Code and Angels and Demons. Those are among others that made me fall in love with novels. And not forget to mention my favourite To Kill A Mocking Bird.
I was seriously thinking to create a website called RiceCookerWeb.Com. Everything would be cooked using rice cooker. I’ve been actually cooking in my U room using rice cooker. From frying fish to well basic rice cooking. It was a practical abuse of the rice cooker.
When I bought it few month ago at Giant Pulai, the rice cooker was immediately malfunction the first time I used it. It was just a mild abuse. I was boiling eggs using it. Lots of unscientific hypothesis came out. In the end we just send it back for change at Giant.
Then the second time, guess what? I again like the first time, it took the whole blok blackout. So terrible product. Expect nothing more from a product without a SIRIM certification. This time I decided to do some hacking. We open the under lid and took a good look at the wires. We took cello tapes and tapes anywhere possible.
The third attempt, it was actually quite a while later because we were afraid that the rice cooker would take the whole block black out again. But this time it works like wonders. The heavy and practical abuse started from then on until last week when the rice cooker got really overheated and just permanently damage.
Let bygon’s be bygone’s… let me start afresh…
I have made so many mistakes I have been foolish all the way… I want to stand up again and walk forward.
Virtue of great peoples is neither measured by their success nor their failure… like I thought before. But the true wisdom can be found in the ability to rise again from a deepest fall.
As the wise man say “I have no body let endurance be my body”…
How many times have I failed…they do not matter as long as I stand again on my own feet.
Forgive me…forgive me… Let bygone’s be bygone’s… I am just human who does mistakes… as all human does.
Let me start afresh…
Although I won’t promise I will make it this time but I will try…I will try my best…I will…With all my power with all my might…
Small and weak
Hyperopic since 7
Lone wolf
Hate party
Electronics lovers
Anime otaku
Hiding from society
Acknowledge nerdness
Speak technical
lover to a laptop
spend 90% of awake time with computer related stuff
Linux enthusiast
Never wear jeans
messy
suicidal
…
A blogger without internet connection…
A blogger without idea…
A blogger that is too occupied with other things without blogger…
I guess the blogger is not a blogger at all…
So I will again in hiatus again and again…(do I really want to blog?)
I might do some rethinking… hoho Next month will be my “first assessment” and I am not prepared at all….
AAAA
If you wonder why my new beginning is such a boring and plain vanilla. I mean my blog layout and appearance. It’s actually my connection doesn’t allow upload to my hosting. I don’t really sure why it’s like that but it just failed to upload every time I tried. So this blog will remain plain unmodified until I online on another line. (Damn, the sentences were damn hard to understand)
A new beginning indeed. Honestly I have no specific reason for giving birth to this blog. Although I really love my old blog Days Without Miracle. Change is hard. It certainly is.
My plan… first of all is to link back all my old bloggers friend. If possible to add some more. I think that’s all. Not much into writing anything right now. Just don’t feel like it.
I guess, my English writing skill is falling after quite a long time in exile (from blog kingdom). Want to bring back the glory of course (sound exaggerating again).
Besides, this is the first time for me using Wordpress 2.5 and it need a bit time for me to get used to it.
Mmmm what else…ooo thanks for those who answered my invitation. For anybody happen to visit this site please drop a comment or two, I will surely put you to my link.
Thanks bye.
Yeah… This is yet another attempt to revive my blogging spirit.
Hey dear visitor…please drop a comment and with a little agreement I will list your blog to my ranked blogroll. Please…Yoroshiku ne….
I am starting anew…so I will leave almost all the “Days Without Miracle” legacy behind….
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