Hateful Feelings

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The day I let go…(again)

February 8, 2010 in Hateful Feelings, Love's Lair | 2 comments

As I expected, the day like today is imminent. I am fighting a losing battle. Like I always do, again today, I will need to let go again. Like Shakespeare said, “Love someone let her go”. Subconsciously, I always did that.

I never been so attached to someone so close (since school). Just enough to know what’s her favorite color, what she can drink and what can’t, what she likes to do, what she loves to do, what she hates, her childhood stories, her clothes, her shoes, her fear, and all other things those I can’t possibly remember consciously.

And today, I vowed, all those things I will put behind and let go. I have done this countless time before. I should have no problem doing this again.

As for today, things have already get complicated enough (at least for me in my heart alone). Never have I planned to get this involved in her. For I never wanted her to be more than just a (good) friend. But if only I can live with rational alone.

Looking at the bright side, throughout these “letting go” series, I have at least learn a lot of what should I do and what not to do. ‘Coz when people get excited, they prone to mistakes and so do I.

I deleted my facebook account, and….after (excruciating) 2 weeks it will gone for good.

I have seen through her and I realized, this is never about me. I don’t know how long would it takes to make me worthy of her Love (practically never). After all I am a practical person. Impossible means impossible. There’s no fuzzy logic involved here. Just simple binary operation where the answer is either “TRUE” or “FALSE”, “YES” or “NO”.

Again, looking at the bright side, at least she taught me to be happy again.

Thanks and Happy Birthday!!!. and……bye…..I’m leaving for your “imaginary Ulu Baram”.

WTH?

February 2, 2010 in Hateful Feelings, Patheticological | No comments

I can’t continue guessing
Because it’s only messing
With my pride, and my mind
So write down this time to time

“Don’t love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love Me For a Reason
Let the reason be love“

The more I want to NOT think about it….

January 14, 2010 in Hateful Feelings, Love's Lair, Patheticological | No comments

The more I want to avoid thinking of it, the more I will think of it. And when I start thinking of it, I stuck. I won’t be able to do my job. I start blogging.

Why should I be jealous when I shouldn’t be? Why can’t I just tell my heart what to feel? Tell my mind what to think and what not.

What is this journey going to teach me this time? Everyday is a lesson. It’s just I am willing to except the truth behind the lesson or not.

All my life I have been a loser….why should I give up this time…or deep in my fabric of nature…I am a winner. A winner that lose too much.

Now I want to win something in my life. The chances are slim…or actually don’t even exist. But I don’t take chances…I just try. By myself and do what I always do.

Seriously….If love has never been my friend…and friend will never be my love….why should I bother?

Erm….Why am I reading this?

January 5, 2010 in Friendship, Hateful Feelings, Love's Lair, Patheticological | 4 comments

Excerp from “How to forget someone you love“…

  1. Keep yourself busy with work that pays. Money, magically could cure your broken heart.
  2. Do outdoor activities such as exercising and sports. Doing something that exhaust your body can get you off your mind and broken heart.
  3. Find a heavy or a busy hobby like traveling or hobbies that involves a lot of thinking like making puzzles or writing theater scripts.
  4. Hang around with your good friends a lot having fun doing what you like with them.

Reaction :

  1. Keep busy?…..urm I am working right now and thank God that works are piling on my table
  2. Outdoor? ….Not really my type but….I just don’t know how to do outdoor activities.
  3. Heavy or busy hobby? ……traveling? Puzzles? Theater scripts? Programming perhaps….that would take most of my concentration….or some computer wrecking and fixing…that would take a lot of time….
  4. Hang around with your good friends? Ermmm….quite impossible…I have only 1 dimension friends. I have no more friend to hang around with…

Conclusion :

  1. Patheticological Disease !!!

How to forget someone you love

I wrote last November

December 30, 2009 in Hateful Feelings, Love's Lair, Whimsical | No comments

 

Why is it so painful?
When I know I won’t get what I want.
Why is it so hurtful?
When I expect things could never happen.
Have I not know who I meant to be?
Have I not know that it’s not going to be?
It’s not worth morning for.
Its not worth crying for.
For love have never been my friend.
And friend will never be my love.

 

 

Year In and Year Out

December 28, 2009 in Hateful Feelings, Love's Lair, Whimsical | No comments

Year in and year out
There it goes again
My heart is shattered apart
Now it lies in pain

Fluttered by the year that was
Of memories you and me
But you and I were never one
You’ve already seen someone

If dream is where I’ll have you
So dream is where my heart’ll be
But dream is only just a dream
It’s never coming through

I close my eyes I see you
So closed I thought it’s true
To lost what I have never had
Is worst than what I knew.

I am a ghost

September 17, 2009 in Hateful Feelings, Whimsical | No comments

It was two years ago…I wrote this…

I am a living ghost

by Elvinado

I am a living ghost.
Wander aimlessly
People can see me
But it’s just blurry
How would I know?
How would I guess?
What is the best
I can live at rest

Again
My faith to the test
Stripped in the sea of man
Snatch my sanity away
Lying helpless homeless endless
I come like the rain
I leave like the wind
Naturally.
Terribly afflicted distress and disturbed.

-September 13, 2007

Two years later…nothing change…I am still a ghost. “I come like the rain, I leave like the wind“. When I sent an SMS to a friend telling that I am a ghost earlier this afternoon, I reminded of the poem I wrote above.

It was something sounds like this,

“He only need to love, He doesn’t need to be loved,
He only can be found alive in SMSes and Yahoo! Messengers,
The only things he hope is nobody hate him,

He is only a ghost, he must not have any feelings,
‘Coz when he start to have feelings he will become villain,
It’s better that he choose to be a good person,

He hates himself, thus he hates discussing about him,
So he rather become nothing, to become inexistent.”

But I am a ghost that very much exist. I can’t claim my inexistent. What I only want is I won’t be a burden to another person, I won’t be a problem, I won’t be a encumbrance, won’t be a liability. I don’t want my existent to be any.

I will be waiting for another September, what will next September brings.

Life is ours, we live it our way

September 10, 2009 in Hateful Feelings, On The Easel, Prayer | No comments

There was a saying I heard from a friend of mine.

“To know you’re important or not, try remove yourself from that circle and see, do they ever realise your inexistence or they just plain don’t give a damn?”

Sometime we just felt that we are important to others, maybe the feeling of being appreciated is good. But the truth is, people around us don’t give a damn of our existence. My life is mine your life is yours.

When someone said they want to see us. Do they really mean it or just saying it to make it sound good?

Sometime I just don’t give a damn, ‘coz none give a damn about me. Who cares? Who would cares? Who want to?

Actually its hurt to care but not to be cared, to understand but not to be understood, to love and not to be loved….

But Dear God make me someone out of ordinary to live through this hurt and pain….happily.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
-St Francis of Assisi

Yesterday…

September 1, 2009 in Friendship, Hateful Feelings, Love's Lair, Opus | No comments

“Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.”

I will long for yesterday…a day that I wish I always have. Now it has come to pass. Now I am living in today. A day that I am totally down.

Yesterday I was genuinely happy…today I am totally down.

Today I am going to return to Kuching. I don’t hate Kuching just I hate the feeling of leaving  a place that I had so much happiness.

Today I lose a battle. But never I lose the war. I will still keep on fighting.

Right now I dont really care. What ever happen to myself. I have felt such happiness yesterday…I am really down today. I felt them all.

Maybe I must let go. Then will I find peace. God has plan for me. A plan that I don’t know. Why do God keep it secret from me. I wonder why.

Maybe my hope and prayer too much influence by what happen yesterday. A day of delusion. A day that I believe something that’s not true. A day that too much lies I supply to myself.

And today…I am overwhelmed by the downturn. Overwhelmed by a believe that I created my own. A believe that never was a truth. A believe that I only wish it is true. In other words…delusion.

I feel sleepy. All my body feel weak. I want to sleep and awaken again reborn as someone who have new hope. Hope from God. True hope. Not a vain hope. A hope that will bring me pure happiness. Not a delusional one. Now I close my eyes and pray….May God Blesses us all….Amen.

I wish this will never end…

September 1, 2009 in Friendship, Hateful Feelings, Love's Lair | No comments

I was genuinely happy tonight…Maybe it was just one sided but as always…it is always about me…I was genuinely happy. You might not realise it but I was happy. I wish that addictive happiness will never end. I want to press the “pause” button and linger in the ecstacy of happiness. For you (or for everybody else) that moment was just something ordinary…but for me… it was a moment that I wish I always have. Although I know I am just in my own imagination, delusion, and impression. I know it was always only me. But tonight I was really happy. A happiness that I haven’t had for a long time. I wish it will never end.

Thinking about it…I am sad. I am delusional. Hoping for something beyond my reach. I guess its ok. Because at least during my lifetime I ever felt happy. I have always in this delusion. Obsessed over something that I know wont be anything within my grasp. Countless time have I in this situation. I never learn. I always fall everytime. I guess I just addicted to that feeling. The happiness. Or more accurately temporary happiness.

My heart leapt when you accepted my invitation. I always and always will be ready to accept rejection but you didn’t. You simply say “yes”. I know I just make a fool of myself. I always ready to be rejected.What type of person am I. Obsessed I guess.

I wish it will stay like that for a long long long long… time… I will not want change that. What ever happens. I wish it will stay like what it is right now. But I know it will not. I am not ready but…I am nobody to change that.

You are like a mirror to me…someone that knows me more that I do. Someone that really similar to me yet so different. You’re so similar to me to a point that spooks me.To a point that I am asking myself  “Am I talking to myself?”

I wish nothing will change. I wish I can have what I had tonight. I wish I can feel that happiness again. Although just in my delusion.

Although sometimes I don’t want to see you because the more I see you…the more delusional I will be…but I can’t help…when I say I miss you…I really meant it…ah…damn it…I wish a coconut will fall on me and I forget everything…and all the happy feeling I felt just left unknown deep inside me without knowing where the source is.

but…be careful what you wish for…cause you might just get it all…

No! You are not what you are treated to be.

March 19, 2009 in Hateful Feelings | No comments

Okay…let me put it like this…

The first week at home : Wah…it was so fun…great to be back home.

First month at home : Ehem…you started to be treated like a loser.

First half a year at home : Eh…what you loser still doing here?

Anywhere but home.

Since the early time of my age, I always have the urge to be away as far as possible from home. It is always my aim to be a kilometer further from home. To be anywhere but home. Why? Because at home I will always get the allusion of not be able to do anything, allusion of uselessness, allusion of being a loser, and what not. Although I know very well I can do most of the things. Just that I don’t really like to show that I can do them.

Will how you treated made who you are?

So being treated like a loser will make me a loser? Or…is it I am raised to be a loser. I was born to be a champ. Educated to be a loser. Damn it.

It is a sin to be younger. It is a sin to be born. Indeed it is because of sin we all exist here. (Sorry God this is just my anger expression).

The best thing in the world.

The best thing in this world is that we can compare things. Good vs Bad. Loser vs Victor. Rich vs Poor. Better vs Worst. Everything on earth and under the sun is subject to meaningless comparison.

Things that’s unseen.

When at home I have no chance what so ever to do things by myself…in other words I can’t I shouldn’t I shalln’t do anything by myself. I am basicly a loser. But away, when no one see when no one care, I do all thing by myself. Half dead…homeless…crying…lonely…all I do alone by myself with a little faith in God. But when I have everything here…when I don’t have to struggle to get anything…I become a loser and treated like one.

The Needs of Esteem : To gain respect of others.

Now I understand why we should give thanks during hardship and during good days. Because neither is better than the other. Below the diagram of Maslow Hierarchy of Needs. It might explain why. Different level poses different level of needs. Be thankful whenever we get or loose our needs to be remain alive.

(courtesy of Wikipedia)

800px-maslows_hierarchy_of_needssvg