Easel

What is worst than perceived as incapability? Pride is the first sin yet every one has one…how could one live without the sense of pride… Maybe that is the best thing a man could live for….a life without pride…one would be happy because even though one perceived as incapable, one just couldn’t care enough.
Who care if one is useless or just a living dead…?

I wanna run away
Never say goodbye
I wanna know the truth
Instead of wondering why
I wanna know the answers
No more lies
I wanna shut the door
And open up my mind

-Linkin Park

(Finally I fixed my blog…I can’t log in to the admin site for some reason….)

If nobody is insignificant then will somebody be? Am I a nobody or a somebody?

When I see… why did I felt something that I shouldn’t feel. Who am I to feel what I felt? For I am nobody.

For I never have been somebody. Or… the value of this “me” is actually just a fuzzy imagination created by this same “me”.

Till the end it will always just this “me” and this “me” alone. Thanks for that.

Another Patheticological post….

As I expected, the day like today is imminent. I am fighting a losing battle. Like I always do, again today, I will need to let go again. Like Shakespeare said, “Love someone let her go”. Subconsciously, I always did that.

I never been so attached to someone so close (since school). Just enough to know what’s her favorite color, what she can drink and what can’t, what she likes to do, what she loves to do, what she hates, her childhood stories, her clothes, her shoes, her fear, and all other things those I can’t possibly remember consciously.

And today, I vowed, all those things I will put behind and let go. I have done this countless time before. I should have no problem doing this again.

As for today, things have already get complicated enough (at least for me in my heart alone). Never have I planned to get this involved in her. For I never wanted her to be more than just a (good) friend. But if only I can live with rational alone.

Looking at the bright side, throughout these “letting go” series, I have at least learn a lot of what should I do and what not to do. ‘Coz when people get excited, they prone to mistakes and so do I.

I deleted my facebook account, and….after (excruciating) 2 weeks it will gone for good.

I have seen through her and I realized, this is never about me. I don’t know how long would it takes to make me worthy of her Love (practically never). After all I am a practical person. Impossible means impossible. There’s no fuzzy logic involved here. Just simple binary operation where the answer is either “TRUE” or “FALSE”, “YES” or “NO”.

Again, looking at the bright side, at least she taught me to be happy again.

Thanks and Happy Birthday!!!. and……bye…..I’m leaving for your “imaginary Ulu Baram”.

I can’t continue guessing
Because it’s only messing
With my pride, and my mind
So write down this time to time

“Don’t love me for fun, girl
Let me be the one, girl
Love Me For a Reason
Let the reason be love“

The more I want to avoid thinking of it, the more I will think of it. And when I start thinking of it, I stuck. I won’t be able to do my job. I start blogging.

Why should I be jealous when I shouldn’t be? Why can’t I just tell my heart what to feel? Tell my mind what to think and what not.

What is this journey going to teach me this time? Everyday is a lesson. It’s just I am willing to except the truth behind the lesson or not.

All my life I have been a loser….why should I give up this time…or deep in my fabric of nature…I am a winner. A winner that lose too much.

Now I want to win something in my life. The chances are slim…or actually don’t even exist. But I don’t take chances…I just try. By myself and do what I always do.

Seriously….If love has never been my friend…and friend will never be my love….why should I bother?

Excerp from “How to forget someone you love“…

1. Keep yourself busy with work that pays. Money, magically could cure your broken heart.
2. Do outdoor activities such as exercising and sports. Doing something that exhaust your body can get you off your mind and broken heart.
3. Find a heavy or a busy hobby like traveling or hobbies that involves a lot of thinking like making puzzles or writing theater scripts.
4. Hang around with your good friends a lot having fun doing what you like with them.

Reaction :

1. Keep busy?…..urm I am working right now and thank God that works are piling on my table
2. Outdoor? ….Not really my type but….I just don’t know how to do outdoor activities.
3. Heavy or busy hobby? ……traveling? Puzzles? Theater scripts? Programming perhaps….that would take most of my concentration….or some computer wrecking and fixing…that would take a lot of time….
4. Hang around with your good friends? Ermmm….quite impossible…I have only 1 dimension friends. I have no more friend to hang around with…

Conclusion :

1. Patheticological Disease !!!

How to forget someone you love

Year in and year out
There it goes again
My heart is shattered apart
Now it lies in pain

Fluttered by the year that was
Of memories you and me
But you and I were never one
You’ve already seen someone

If dream is where I’ll have you
So dream is where my heart’ll be
But dream is only just a dream
It’s never coming through

I close my eyes I see you
So closed I thought it’s true
To lost what I have never had
Is worst than what I knew.

It was two years ago…I wrote this…

I am a living ghost

by Elvinado

I am a living ghost.
Wander aimlessly
People can see me
But it’s just blurry
How would I know?
How would I guess?
What is the best
I can live at rest

Again
My faith to the test
Stripped in the sea of man
Snatch my sanity away
Lying helpless homeless endless
I come like the rain
I leave like the wind
Naturally.
Terribly afflicted distress and disturbed.

-September 13, 2007

Two years later…nothing change…I am still a ghost. “I come like the rain, I leave like the wind“. When I sent an SMS to a friend telling that I am a ghost earlier this afternoon, I reminded of the poem I wrote above.

It was something sounds like this,

“He only need to love, He doesn’t need to be loved,
He only can be found alive in SMSes and Yahoo! Messengers,
The only things he hope is nobody hate him,

He is only a ghost, he must not have any feelings,
‘Coz when he start to have feelings he will become villain,
It’s better that he choose to be a good person,

He hates himself, thus he hates discussing about him,
So he rather become nothing, to become inexistent.”

But I am a ghost that very much exist. I can’t claim my inexistent. What I only want is I won’t be a burden to another person, I won’t be a problem, I won’t be a encumbrance, won’t be a liability. I don’t want my existent to be any.

I will be waiting for another September, what will next September brings.