Everything that I want to do, I will always considering in my mind to do it with you. You are the only person that I can think of that… I will be happy to do with. The only person that I can have my genuine smile. But …. I still want to do everything everytime with you. If and only if I can….so far…I have done most of things I want to do in my life with you. But….still….I want to do more things with you….
Excerp from “How to forget someone you love“…
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How to forget someone you love
Being just friend is simple…you can be a jerk anytime you want.
But being a good friend is another story. It sometimes requires pretense. A friend’s happiness sometimes is not our happiness. However his/her sadness is definitely our sadness too.
To be a friend is to accept a friend as he/she is. After all, he/she is a friend of ours because he/she bring happiness to us. Because we love him/her. To see them happy is our happiness too.
Friendship doesn’t exist (just as economy doesn’t exist), but we create it to bring hope to our life. Because life really is sux…and why should we make it even more sux by living alone without a friend.
I might have lost faith in friendship, all my friends have gone, but it’s ok….life sux after all.
Even if you know anything new…or suspect something new in the development…please…please…please…don’t change what ever already there. I’m tired of adapting to new things. Please let it be. Please don’t change.Please just pretend that you know nothing. Please just be who you were and who we were. Please!!!
But in the end, I can only ask…you’re the only one that can decide. Sorry for being a FOOL……..
Little details in our life…might change a lot of what will happen in the future. So the question is…will I be able to bear all the changes?
I am destine to be alone I know that but…every new place I went I will meet new friends. Some friendship will lasts some will only vanishes into the thin air. Some will grow stronger yet some will break into pieces. I am by no definition ‘a good friend’ but at least I know how to be a friend at least.
I met many peoples. I met people and become so close friend only for few hours. I met people and become friend for years to come. Some I don’t even know their names. Some I only know their face. There are so many types of friends I be friend of. But most of all, friends that I thought, know, hope, and pray that they are my best friends.
These people that I thought, know, hope, and pray to be my best friends are people that always break my heart. Because…well…I thought, know, hope and pray should be my best friends. But…as always…my love is meant to be ONE SIDED.
People say “You are thinking too much…!!!”. Maybe true. My idle mind is a devil’s workshop. My mind become idle and I start thinking of all these unnecessary stuff.
Why can’t I love without hoping to get that love back? Unconditional love? Why can’t I love like Jesus do? I can am I? Just that I decided not to.
I should let go…let go of all things that I thought important…friends, money, car, house, food, friends again, love, dreams, car again, and all the worldly things. I must…I MUST. Until I can let go all these, I won’t find what I want. Which is the favor of God.
Starting from now a lot of things will change. Let go of my friends in here and now and accepting new friends. Friends that once close become further far apart. Some will need to leave me. Some I need to leave them. Some will want to leave me. Some must and should leave me. Everything will change. Everything will go back to square one. I will need, must, should take this path alone…as I was and always will be.
I shall “seek first His Kingdom and His Righteousness”.
I rest my case.
“Yesterday,
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they’re here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.”
I will long for yesterday…a day that I wish I always have. Now it has come to pass. Now I am living in today. A day that I am totally down.
Yesterday I was genuinely happy…today I am totally down.
Today I am going to return to Kuching. I don’t hate Kuching just I hate the feeling of leaving a place that I had so much happiness.
Today I lose a battle. But never I lose the war. I will still keep on fighting.
Right now I dont really care. What ever happen to myself. I have felt such happiness yesterday…I am really down today. I felt them all.
Maybe I must let go. Then will I find peace. God has plan for me. A plan that I don’t know. Why do God keep it secret from me. I wonder why.
Maybe my hope and prayer too much influence by what happen yesterday. A day of delusion. A day that I believe something that’s not true. A day that too much lies I supply to myself.
And today…I am overwhelmed by the downturn. Overwhelmed by a believe that I created my own. A believe that never was a truth. A believe that I only wish it is true. In other words…delusion.
I feel sleepy. All my body feel weak. I want to sleep and awaken again reborn as someone who have new hope. Hope from God. True hope. Not a vain hope. A hope that will bring me pure happiness. Not a delusional one. Now I close my eyes and pray….May God Blesses us all….Amen.
I was genuinely happy tonight…Maybe it was just one sided but as always…it is always about me…I was genuinely happy. You might not realise it but I was happy. I wish that addictive happiness will never end. I want to press the “pause” button and linger in the ecstacy of happiness. For you (or for everybody else) that moment was just something ordinary…but for me… it was a moment that I wish I always have. Although I know I am just in my own imagination, delusion, and impression. I know it was always only me. But tonight I was really happy. A happiness that I haven’t had for a long time. I wish it will never end.
Thinking about it…I am sad. I am delusional. Hoping for something beyond my reach. I guess its ok. Because at least during my lifetime I ever felt happy. I have always in this delusion. Obsessed over something that I know wont be anything within my grasp. Countless time have I in this situation. I never learn. I always fall everytime. I guess I just addicted to that feeling. The happiness. Or more accurately temporary happiness.
My heart leapt when you accepted my invitation. I always and always will be ready to accept rejection but you didn’t. You simply say “yes”. I know I just make a fool of myself. I always ready to be rejected.What type of person am I. Obsessed I guess.
I wish it will stay like that for a long long long long… time… I will not want change that. What ever happens. I wish it will stay like what it is right now. But I know it will not. I am not ready but…I am nobody to change that.
You are like a mirror to me…someone that knows me more that I do. Someone that really similar to me yet so different. You’re so similar to me to a point that spooks me.To a point that I am asking myself “Am I talking to myself?”
I wish nothing will change. I wish I can have what I had tonight. I wish I can feel that happiness again. Although just in my delusion.
Although sometimes I don’t want to see you because the more I see you…the more delusional I will be…but I can’t help…when I say I miss you…I really meant it…ah…damn it…I wish a coconut will fall on me and I forget everything…and all the happy feeling I felt just left unknown deep inside me without knowing where the source is.
but…be careful what you wish for…cause you might just get it all…
“The cold and wind and rain don’t know, They only seem to come and go away” – Oasis
Today another colleague of mine leaving my department. The one that new in the dapartment might also leave very soon. All other 3 person also planning to leave as soon as possible. Me? I will always do my best.
A teacher of mine once told the class that If I am to be thrown in the ocean…I will be an island (Kalau dicampak ke dalam lautan akan menjadi pulau). I want to fulfill her prayer.
Will I be an Island here…
He (sit on the left) left…
or maybe…all other in the photo will leave too…who knows what tomorrow brings…
Previous 49 Pairs is here.
Because there are still so many pairs…so I just keep it simple stupid.
Fezlyn
Flora
Jocelyn
Joriena
Rebecca
14. Fezlyn – I know her during practical in NREB. Last contact…last night (refer previous post).
15. Flora – She was my junior in MRSM Kuching. Few months/years ago she did sms me as anonymous.Huhu.
16. Jocelyn – Classmate during KTDTHB time form 1 till 3. She suddenly sms me out of the blue a few months ago then went missing again.
17. Joriena – Best friend…I couldn’t find any other words to describe…we were schoolmates in MRSM. Last contact was most probably last January. We should meet when she was in Miri but it never happen.
18. Rebecca – She was sitting beside the windows during “night prep” in MRSM. I always knock the window pans to chat with her. When did last contact…few days ago..or is it yesterday…in Yahoo! Messenger.
I hope if one day, it happen that I lose all my memories…when I read back all these posts…they will help. Haha…