Easel

I was genuinely happy tonight…Maybe it was just one sided but as always…it is always about me…I was genuinely happy. You might not realise it but I was happy. I wish that addictive happiness will never end. I want to press the “pause” button and linger in the ecstacy of happiness. For you (or for everybody else) that moment was just something ordinary…but for me… it was a moment that I wish I always have. Although I know I am just in my own imagination, delusion, and impression. I know it was always only me. But tonight I was really happy. A happiness that I haven’t had for a long time. I wish it will never end.

Thinking about it…I am sad. I am delusional. Hoping for something beyond my reach. I guess its ok. Because at least during my lifetime I ever felt happy. I have always in this delusion. Obsessed over something that I know wont be anything within my grasp. Countless time have I in this situation. I never learn. I always fall everytime. I guess I just addicted to that feeling. The happiness. Or more accurately temporary happiness.

My heart leapt when you accepted my invitation. I always and always will be ready to accept rejection but you didn’t. You simply say “yes”. I know I just make a fool of myself. I always ready to be rejected.What type of person am I. Obsessed I guess.

I wish it will stay like that for a long long long long… time… I will not want change that. What ever happens. I wish it will stay like what it is right now. But I know it will not. I am not ready but…I am nobody to change that.

You are like a mirror to me…someone that knows me more that I do. Someone that really similar to me yet so different. You’re so similar to me to a point that spooks me.To a point that I am asking myself  “Am I talking to myself?”

I wish nothing will change. I wish I can have what I had tonight. I wish I can feel that happiness again. Although just in my delusion.

Although sometimes I don’t want to see you because the more I see you…the more delusional I will be…but I can’t help…when I say I miss you…I really meant it…ah…damn it…I wish a coconut will fall on me and I forget everything…and all the happy feeling I felt just left unknown deep inside me without knowing where the source is.

but…be careful what you wish for…cause you might just get it all…