Easel

Yes I am… I am no better. (Sorry for some masochistic post lately.)

No wonder I am left alone…because I am too honest. I virtually never lied especially about what I felt. I lied occasionally to my parent saying that I am okay when I didn’t even near okay. I say what ever I think is right even though I myself is no better or might be even worse. Am I ashamed of myself, yes, but that’s just who I am.

I raised up always feeling suicidal. I never thankful about anything (except food…maybe that’s why I am so thin). I complaints about everything my five senses caught. My five senses caught mostly about myself and I grown to be self hating and loathing.

I was someone who always been manipulated because I was too naive to think that people manipulating me. Then now I myself become a good hidden manipulator. But I hate myself for it.

If I am to be asked who do I hate or my worst enemy…I can’t think of any other person besides the very person I saw in the mirror everyday. Ironically I really love my own name but not the owner of the name.

I am self inflicting. I am proud of something I don’t have. I ashamed of things that I have. I love things that I hate. I hate things that I love. I force myself to go against myself.

Despite all that,

I still laugh. I laugh all I can when I feel like. I cried a lot inside myself try not to show it to others. Most of the time I failed.

I love to listen to others problem because I really want others to listen to me.

I tried to make jokes although most of the time my jokes are sucks (and not even funny). Most of my jokes are too technical and non-understandable.

When peoples around me happy I feel happy too although those peoples have nothing to do with me at all…and when they’re sad I’m sad too.

I love to imagine good things that I know I will never have.

I fall in love so easy. I change very easily. My hobbies are countless. My dreams are heavenly impossible.

Even when I hate myself so much I can’t even feel deep contempt upon my worst enemy. I lose not because of my enemy but because I am too stupid.

I am not better Yes…neither do anyone I know. In the end, I am just a fool that wandering aimlessly waiting for the time the Lord take him away from this world.