July 9

The air was thick and cold that night but just nice not freezing. Just like every night. Most of peoples were already sleeping, it was late. However, I was still outside under the shelter of the moon and the stars. It was not my average night, it was something meaningful for me.

She dressed under her night gown. Simply pleasant to the eyes. Her face was fair and ornamented with little smiles every now and then.

My chest was racing, I wanted to tell her something that I’ve been keeping to myself alone for a long time. I knew after those words were uttered, we won’t be able to talk like this again. I have expected everything before they happen. But regret isn’t a fond brother to me.

Why is it so hard to say something so short and simple. I always asked myself. I always laugh hard watching characters in drama, anime or movies try to utter those simple words. In the real world it is pretty much the same, not really.

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It has passed midnight and we still converse about life’s and its miscellaneous. I was hoping for no moon or stars to fall upon me. I was merely tried to be selfish and savor these short moment. I just wanted to make myself happy.

July 9 has been few hours passed and I should depart. I learned that it is better to regret it now than to regret not telling her forever. Then I should just let go. And…in the simplest words and most understandable language I told her.

Then, I asked myself really deep….

“Am I worthy to yearn for someone that’s already someone’s someone?”

“Am I a fool?”

From then on we never meet properly anymore. It was and is indeed one sided. But for a short while I felt something worth feeling through my chest. Although it just broken in a few seconds.

It reminded me of a time long ago when I have it firm in my hand and I consciously cast it and let it go. Experience is indeed the best teacher. This is never a thing that can be learn by reading or meditation. It is something worth feeling even for a brief moment.

(July 9, 2006 a date that I marked as special every year.)