Easel

Trying, striving, struggling, endeavoring are the words that sometimes really touch our deep consciousness. Have I done enough of those? Do I give my all to harness the best of me? Or I just do things halfway and always give up?

Do I sigh alone in my room and utter some words of self-contempt? Sulking endlessly in silent until a point that I feel suicidal? Have I done enough? Have I got enough? Asking questions that shouldn’t be ask…

It is easier just to follow orders. Live for somebody else and make no decision for myself. Living without reason to live and dying without something to regret for. Just to follow the ebb and tide of time and peoples.

But…it is the best to live for something. To have reason in life. To live in freedom without been bound to anything. But…there are things that are hard to come by. Even when it’s within grasp, sometime I don’t realize it. Reason, that’s what I need. I need mission to continue breathing. I need goal to make my life meaningful.

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The first one “Say It Again” by Marie Digby. I have posted the lyric and youtube clip here. I love this song that post about it again.

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The next song is a Gothic Rock song by Within Temptation a Dutch rock band. The song title “See Who I am”. My friend introduced it to me. He told me that he found it from some video clip about a game. I just keep listening to it over and over again.

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And the last one again from Marie Digby, “Unfold”. A song with the album with the same name. She was accepted really well when she came to Kuala Lumpur to promote her album. However she haven’t put any youtube post lately.

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Thanks.

I have edited quite a number of pictures. Precisely these are pictures of me and my girl friend (not girlfriend) or female friend that I used to know. These are only those pictures that I could retrieve from all these years. Some of the pictures maybe hidden somewhere refused to be found. Today I will start with the first person.

This is Angela or fondly called Angel.
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The air was thick and cold that night but just nice not freezing. Just like every night. Most of peoples were already sleeping, it was late. However, I was still outside under the shelter of the moon and the stars. It was not my average night, it was something meaningful for me.

She dressed under her night gown. Simply pleasant to the eyes. Her face was fair and ornamented with little smiles every now and then.

My chest was racing, I wanted to tell her something that I’ve been keeping to myself alone for a long time. I knew after those words were uttered, we won’t be able to talk like this again. I have expected everything before they happen. But regret isn’t a fond brother to me.

Why is it so hard to say something so short and simple. I always asked myself. I always laugh hard watching characters in drama, anime or movies try to utter those simple words. In the real world it is pretty much the same, not really.

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I just wrote a fuckingly long post and I wrote it for few hours. Suddenly when I hit publish the connection failed me. I saw wordpress saving drafts countless times during writing and I believed it. When I get back to the draft I saw only 2 sentences. The only draft that save was the earliest one. So stupid and I curse them all. My morale for writing post has falling to hell. I retired for today. I try to forget this incident and learn the lesson. (Note : It is really rare for me to curse)

(Disclaimer : I’ve nothing to do with service provider I’ll mention later, I’m just a loyal user)

Internet connection is already a needs for peoples nowadays. Although some might think that Internet is just another reason to waste our precious time. This is the age of internet technology when the whole world is at our fingertips so to say. Enough with exam’s essay like writing. I’ll proceed with my main concern. I need a broadband service a.k.a internet connection.

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Internet has again become my routine. What do I do every time I go online?

The first thing I do is click on FXPro Metatrader. A trading platform for Forex. I actually still train myself using demo account. No risk and fun. After I gain a bit of experience and everything set in place I will try using some actual money. It takes quite amount of concentration do actually play Forex. But it is really interesting and fun (in case of using demo currency) because it’s like playing any kind of game. However I am sure it kinda creepy to think that I can loose few hundred in seconds as well as gain them.

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For some reason I am really really restless and I certainly can’t sleep. If it’s you what would you do?

So I pack my laptop and took it to internet room downstairs. Maybe the internet addiction has returned.

I felt all kinds of feelings. Mixed and confused. I felt guilt and anxiety. Fear of unknown.

I can’t do a thing. Voices in my head. Voices of my mum, my friends, my brother, and my own voice. I just can’t stop thinking about what they were saying. I am haunted by them.

Running away from what I should be doing. Just lying to myself. I am so afraid. I want to cry. But no tears would come out.

Am I delusional? Am i going crazy? Maybe I am merely lonely. I need something to live for. I need a reason. I really need it.

I just can’t found it where. Looking in vain. Keep on looking with only despair at hand.

Shouting in silence.

It is a small red notebook I keep since a long time ago. Only a few first pages are written with something. It was actually to keep record of some memorable inspirational thoughts from one of my favourite lecturer. Originally it was in Malay. I will “Englisify” them and add more salts and spices.

Planting seeds

“Reap what we sow” it is an old saying. Growing little seeds isn’t a work of a day or two. It certainly takes time to see some significant result. On the first day we put seeds onto the soil. Then we water them everyday. Even when there seems nothing happen to the seeds we keep on watering them and keep the pests away. Until…without we even realize it, the seeds has turned into a small vulnerable plant with soft and green leaves. However it doesn’t end there. We nurture them to a well age.

What if we just gave up on the first few days or leave them vulnerable just after they began to have leaves and roots? What if? But we never did that aren’t we?

If you wonder why my new beginning is such a boring and plain vanilla. I mean my blog layout and appearance. It’s actually my connection doesn’t allow upload to my hosting. I don’t really sure why it’s like that but it just failed to upload every time I tried. So this blog will remain plain unmodified until I online on another line. (Damn, the sentences were damn hard to understand)

A new beginning indeed. Honestly I have no specific reason for giving birth to this blog. Although I really love my old blog Days Without Miracle. Change is hard. It certainly is.

My plan… first of all is to link back all my old bloggers friend. If possible to add some more. I think that’s all. Not much into writing anything right now. Just don’t feel like it.

I guess, my English writing skill is falling after quite a long time in exile (from blog kingdom). Want to bring back the glory of course (sound exaggerating again).

Besides, this is the first time for me using Wordpress 2.5 and it need a bit time for me to get used to it.

Mmmm what else…ooo thanks for those who answered my invitation. For anybody happen to visit this site please drop a comment or two, I will surely put you to my link.

Thanks bye.